Today I Woke Up

Today I woke up just like any other day. I usually have the same few thoughts every morning. The first is, “Why do I still feel exhausted??” Then I start to think about all of the things I would like to accomplish that day. So many things to organize, clean, and unpack and get settled. So many little things on my To-Do list that have just been lingering there. Maybe I will get laundry done, and go grocery shopping. Maybe I will vacuum the ridiculous amount of dog hair piling up. Maybe I will even work out and go to the gym today! I better get up and get moving!

Then I start to sit up in bed and stretch...and there is my constant companion- pain. That same sore, stiff, achey feeling in my low back and in my left knee, the throbbing pain in my right shoulder because I always end up laying on it when I sleep and it tries to dislocate on me. The same burning, sharp, searing nerve pain in my left foot and leg. And then there is the feeling that my entire body has been hit by a truck. I ache everywhere and the profound fatigue that my body feels is something you expect if you were sick with the flu- but I’m not. No miracle was performed in the night that left me full of energy and free of pain today. This just another “normal” day for me.

I have never been, and never will be, a morning person. Mornings just aren’t my thing. I love the night time and I love my sleep. As if getting up in the morning isn’t hard enough, then add all of those thoughts and feelings onto it within the first few minutes of waking up, and you can imagine that it is hard for me to get moving and motivated. I am on pain medication pretty much around the clock, so what I look forward to most in the morning is eating my breakfast so that I can take my pain meds. All bets are off for anything getting done until the meds kick in and make me forget about some of my pain for at least a little while. Coffee helps, too!

I did manage to get some things done that I wanted to today before my legs turned to lead and my eyes were so heavy that I had no choice but to surrender to my bed. I did laundry and changed the sheets on the bed. I cleaned up the kitchen and dusted the living room. I was smart enough to take a shower and do my hair last night so that I don’t have to add that to my list of things to do today. Showering and drying my hair brings on extreme fatigue for me, so I have been resorting to doing it at night so that I can go to bed after. This is somewhat new to me. This is also one of the many reasons why I am often late for things. It takes me so much longer to get ready and I just want to quit and take a nap when I’m done. No one has any clue how hard this is for me. Maybe it’s better that way...
I go to bed between 10-11pm and it usually takes me at least an hour to fall asleep, and then I toss and turn all night, and have to get up and pee at least once, then have to try to get comfortable all over again and fall asleep again. According to my FitBit, I am restless for an average of about an hour a night, and wake up between 4-10 times, even when I take my sleeping meds. Its easy to see that although I am physically and mentally exhausted, my body just can't get the rest it really it needs. This is why I HAVE to lay down at least once during the day. There is no fighting through it. I know my body and I know my limits and I know when I have to give it a break before it rebels and I get a migraine or my pain starts to flare even worse.

So, why am I getting out of bed around 10am everyday and not getting up at 6am to get ready for work like you assume a normal college educated 29 year old would be doing? Why do I wake up so fatigued, even if I did get a full 8 hours of sleep? Why does EVERYTHING hurt? How did this happen and where did I go wrong? Is this really how it is going to be for the rest of my life?? When was the last time my body didn’t dictate how my day would go? I truly am not sure if I can remember when or where it all began, but here is my story and the events that unfolded that have gotten me to where and how I am today. Hold on, because it’s a bumpy ride!